Almost 9 weeks!

That’s right, it’s been that long already.

I went in Thursday August 22nd at 8am to do one final ultrasound with my RE. The tech did some exploring before the doctor came in to be 100% sure that there was just one little gummy bear in there. There was definitely only one. We saw a big sac with one baby, that already closely resembles a baby. It was amazing. I love seeing the baby and the heartbeat…..just wow at 179 beats per minute! But the exact moment that I feel in love was when I saw my little gummy bear wiggle. That’s right it moved!!!! I saw the little arms waving and the head bobbing. It literally made me gasp it was so beautiful. The doctor even said “well if that isn’t the cutest baby I’ve ever seen, look at all of the movement, and it’s so photogenic too!” I choose to believe he doesn’t say that to everyone, because darn if I don’t believe it was the cutest baby I’ve ever seen as well. Although, I may be a little biased. After the appointment, I sat down with the nurse and got my graduation packet. There was information to continue taking one estrace and two endometrin daily until September 1st. I was also told to schedule and appointment with an OBGYN by 10 weeks. Well, I am one step ahead of them and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday August 28th. So, I asked for some discharge information to pass on to my OBGYN. I also got some information on early pregnancy…..lol as if I haven’t researched early pregnancy symptoms for the last 6 years. It was still a bittersweet moment to say goodbye to the most amazing doctor I’ve ever met. He listened to our concerns, modified treatment plans based on our history, and never stopped modifying until he saw progress. I truly attribute our success to his perseverance and attention to our case. I hugged him and told him to expect to see us back when we are ready to try again. He asked us to drop in so he can see the progress of the pregnancy and to please bring in a picture when we finally meet our little gummy bear. It’s sad that REs put all of this work into getting women pregnant and don’t get to see the progression beyond the first 10-12 weeks.

I am just so unbelievably grateful to finally get to say that I am pregnant and that the baby is healthy. I loved the wording on the discharge paperwork “viable singleton pregnancy.”

 

Symptom spotter:

-nausea (extreme if I don’t eat)

-lack of an appetite (tummy growls, but I have such an aversion to most foods)

-exhaustion and muscle aches

-headaches

-minimal abdominal cramps

-constipation/diarrhea/constipation…etc

-shortness of breathe

 

Absolutely Amazing

Well on August 8th at 8am, I got to see the most beautiful thing of my life. The tech put the wand in and right away up came a very large sac with a very visible baby and right in the middle was this most amazing fluttering. The RE said well, there is confirmation of your pregnancy, right in that little heart beat. It was so unbelievably amazing.

The tech then wanted to get a measurement of the heart rate and it came in at 116bpm. The RE looked at her and was like no way, it’s way faster than that. She proceeded to have me hold my breathe 3 times as she retook the measurement 3 more times, average of 120bpm. The RE said he was counting 160, but with early ultrasounds, 120 is definitely more than acceptable.

His exact words to conclude the experience was “You’ve got yourself a very plain and boring baby there”. Plain and boring is just what I want, mama doesn’t need any surprises or excitement here lol.

I must admit I was a bit bummed at first by the fact that we only saw 1 sac. With the high betas, I had prepped myself to see two. But, ultimately with just one I can look forward to a safe and calm pregnancy.

The next appointment is on August 22nd at 8am for my 8week scan. That will also be my graduation day from my RE office. It is a really bittersweet moment, especially when I truly believe that my RE changed the direction in which our treatments were going and attributed to our ultimate success.

 

Take a peek at our little gummy bear. Ultrasound

First ever ultrasound is tomorrow

That’s right!

I have been an absolute wreck this past week and a half. First it was analyzing all the data I could to try and figure out if I was having twins. Then it was wondering why I was feeling morning sickness so early. Next, I finally decided to get down with my husband and I immediately started bleeding light pink. By this point, I flipped out completely. I was a sobbing mess and my husband kept reminding me that we were warned that cervical trauma could cause slight bleeding. I was given solace by the fact that it wasn’t enough blood to even mark a panty liner and it remained pink, never turning red. Plus, I had no accompanying cramps. So, I calmly called my RE office and left a message for my nurse. She called back to reassure me that it was perfectly normal and that I should refrain from any sex, heavy lifting, or strenuous exercise until a little further along. Phew! Well, as the blood tapered off into old brown spots, I started to get twinges, pulls and cramps. This worried me until I realized it was just annoying not painful, and they were in very odd places. For example, one of the most obnoxious bouts was slightly to the right of my left hip, almost where my ovaries would be. So after tons of research online, I determined that it was not miscarriage type cramps, but most likely uterine stretching and/or round ligament pain. So seeing all of THESE symptoms so early, I was right back on the search for symptoms associated with twins.
Did I mention that I have been a hormonal crazy person?

I am extremely grateful, however, to be a part of a pretty nice support group online and to have a couple of ladies with due dates close to mine. We have been bouncing the new symptoms and feelings off of each other so as not to annoy the others with our constant worrying.

I am also very grateful to have a wonderful friend with current experience carrying twins to bounce all of my crazies and comparisons off of. She constantly reminds me to just relax and enjoy the fact that I am pregnant and not worry about all of the other stuff. Great words of advice.

 

Well, less than 24 hours and I will get to see my baby or babies. I will post tomorrow with the picture!

Up up and away!

As you know by now, I got my first positive home pregnancy test on 9dp5dt. I then got a beta of 941 on 13dp5dt. Today, on 16dp5dt my beta was 2379. That is a doubling rate of ~53 hours. My clinic was so satisfied with these results that they cancelled my third beta and I am on my own until my first ultrasound on August 8th. That is another 11 days of pulling my hair out to finally see what is growing inside of me. Something is definitely growing in there my question is how many somethings. According to the archives of betabase, I am on par with the median beta for twins at 21dpo. The median beta for a singleton at 21dpo is only 1200.

I am very eager to get to that ultrasound. Then I’m sure I’ll be eager for the next one and the next and the next. This 9 month wait is way worse than the two week wait.

Longest couple of days ever

Goodness gracious why can’t Friday be here already. I am beginning to think that the nine month wait is going to be way worse than the TWW.

This morning I had a mini panic realizing that I would have to decide to stay with my OBGYN or find a new one depending on where I want to deliver. If I stay with my current, it will make my mom happy because he works from the same hospital she had me and she has it in her selfish head that I should have my baby there. If I pick a new one, I can find someone that works in unison with my RE and go to a hospital that is closer to me. The old OBGYN works out of a hospital 35 minutes away with NO traffic, but if I go into labor during rush hour, yea it will take more like an hour and 30 minutes to get there. The choice is pretty obvious, but I have issues with asserting myself to my mom. Ugh, why can’t she be one of those supportive root for you type moms.

Plus I was thinking what to do daycare wise. I am being prepped for the Educational Director position at the school I work for and I would really love that job, but I also want to be with my baby. Now, I could enroll my baby into my school but currently the tuition is equivalent to my monthly pay. Yikes, we need my income too much to squander its entirety on childcare. I’m sure my mom would LOVE to take the baby, but she smokes A LOT and never showed any interest in refraining from exposing my brothers and I when we were younger. Not to mention she is rather obese and has a hard time mobility wise. I just don’t feel like it’s the right environment. So, I am going to talk to the owner of my school and see what kind of employee discount we can work in and if she can’t make it worth my while then I have all the knowledge and resources to start my own small center from my home.

Symptoms:- weird bubbly feeling all over my tummy (not quite gas, kinda like mobile cramps)
– heartburn (still, worse at night when I’m laying down)
– exhaustion
– super hunger

all other symptoms (breast tenderness, headaches, nausea) I attribute to the progesterone suppositories, because I had those same symptoms last time on them.

 

I just wish Friday would get here so that I can see a healthy number and get the ball rolling on actually saying this is a real pregnancy and working towards a new goal of completing the pregnancy.

 

In my husband’s words…….”We’ve worked so long just to see those two pink lines and after seeing them, it’s like now what.”    Now what indeed!

Still Surreal

I am still sitting here in wonder. Is it really possible for me to be pregnant, something that I’ve only dreamed about for 6 years?

Just to be sure I took another FRER and a Digital. I wanted to see those words written on something “PREGNANT”. Wow, just wow!

IMG_0936[1]

 

I am really really looking forward to see what the beta numbers are on Friday. I told my mom about the positive home test and she said “you know your doctor told you not to do that, I’ll wait to get excited until we see the results on Friday.”

I dunno, I just feel like this is finally it for us! And besides, the beta has to be high just looking at those lines. They showed up before the control and they are super dark. Plus, we all know how non-sensitive Digitals are and it says it right there “pregnant”.

I’m still completely over the moon. And the only symptoms I’ve had  (that I are not similar to the progesterone symptoms I experienced last time) : heartburn, extreme hunger, and exhaustion. The heartburn was the dead give away for me. I never get heartburn and this heartburn was so bad it had me gagging in the middle of the night from the acid in my throat.

 

Holy Shit

I was going to blog today about how much the tww sucked, but I can’t. I was up all night last night with the worse heartburn and I NEVER get heartburn. I’ve been so unbelievably tired and this lack of sleep didn’t help. So, I fretted and fretted all day about to test or not to test, I tested.

IT’S POSITIVE!!!

Like not even faint, but dark dark dark. It’s darker than the test line even. OMG!!!!! At 9dp5dt, not even first morning urine and it’s this dark………omg!

It's Positive

 

Is this real life?????

TWW SUCKS

I was fine up until today. I’ve been keeping busy. I’ve been staying cautiously optimistic. I’ve been basically trying to think about everything and anything but the fact that I had a transfer done and I was waiting for my beta. Well today threw that all to hell. I woke up to my husband getting frisky. So, I played along with zero intentions of having an orgasm or having penetrative sex. Well, as much as I tried to stop it, the orgasm happened. I promptly started crying. It didn’t help matters that a couple hours later, what did I find, yup a tiny bit of pink when I wiped. Son of a bitch!!!!! This is the exact day, 8dp5dt, when I started spotting last cycle. So here I am stunned, because I am absolutely certain it is too late for implantation, and since I am 13dpr (days past retrieval) and this is where my period usually shows up, that the pink is exactly what I think it is, my period showing up.

I am just simply stunned. We had a good blast. Our only good one ever. I simply do not know if we will ever get a good blast like that again. I am terrified that my husband’s sperm is simply too chromosomally  fucked up to support embryo growth. How on earth do you explain 1 good blast out of 13 fertilized embryos and 17 eggs, even with the use of PICSI. The only thing I can think of is dna fragmentation. On day 4, of embryo growth, male dna kicks in and that is when we went from 11 embryos to….4, 3 of which were just blah and only 1 was a nice looking blast.

My husband says it’s fine, we have 2 more shots covered through our insurance. What he neglects to remember is that I am the one going through the shots, the hormones, the emotional breakdowns, the constant monitoring appointments that I have to get up ridiculously early to go to so that I can get to work on time. Yea that is right I continue working through all of this at a job that is physically strenuous and stressful.

I dunno if I can do this again. I just want a baby. Is that really too much to ask for?

The best of the bunch

Well, I found out today that the two embryos we left in the lab did not make it to freeze. Apparently they just stopped changing and dividing so there ya go. So I asked the nurse how the embryologist picked the one out of the three that she did to transfer with the 4AB blast. She said that of the three the one I transferred was the only one that showed growth between the morning assessment and right before transfer. So the other two we left behind had probably already started arresting.

That being said. The 4AB blast and cavitating morula inside of me right now are my only chances at a baby for this cycle. It just blows my mind that we went from 17 to 13 to 11 to 4 and then 2. And the most mind boggling thing is that the 2 could possibly not be enough for me to walk away from this with a baby growing in me.

I think the only thing that keeps me from collapsing down into a heap is the fact that we were fortunate enough to stumble into a job for my husband with infertility benefits. That means that even if this cycle doesn’t work we at least have another 2 chances. I know there are many women out there in way worse situations and my heart absolutely breaks for them. If I am this torn apart over my situation, I honestly don’t know how they keep going every day. So, here is a shout out to some of the most strong and brave women I’ve ever had the privilege of getting to know.

For the next 10.5 days, as my husband measures it, I will stop worrying about will it or won’t it work. Instead, I am signed up for a Director’s course to learn as much possible about my future role as Educational Director at my school and I am going to be taking an exam on Saturday to get a certificate that will grant me clock hours equivalent to an associate’s in Early Childhood Education to go along with my Bachelor’s in Psychology. My goal is to secure my role as Educational Director in my school and stop putting up “what if” road blocks for my career. It’s time to start living instead of just waiting.